Hi all,
I am not so sure if you all will ever get to read this post. This blog is almost died. Recently, I haven't been feeling the very best in terms of mood and health. I finally managed to voice out what I really feel all this while but maybe all along I have been a very selfish person I never really consider what you all really feel too.
Honestly I have been having really hard time ever since we broke our friendship with Natalie and Liting but it was so much easier because you guys are there. Maybe you all might think why I am so adamant about it seriously I myself also don't understand why I am like that. However, if there is reason why maybe it is just mainly my character. I always have this feeling why I can put in 100% for someone/something but the other person is not appreciating it. Sometimes I hate myself for such thinking and try to tell myself not every time I give 100% I must get back the same and doesn't mean people never give back 100% means you are not important to them. Maybe their way of 100% and your way of 100% is different.
Probably you guys never know, what kind of friends you guys were right? When my parent in the process of divorcing, everyday they will quarrel the only time I forgot about their quarrel is when I in school and is because we always talk nonsense. Even though u all never really once talk to me about it but being able to help me laugh and forget about those irritating issue at home then was a great help. Of course school work also plays a part, everyday just thinking about studying can forgot those problems too. That's why this one year without any goal in my life I feel so lost and get irritated easily. I am a person that will feel lost when I lose my goal (You guys should know by now... hahaha). Have I ever told you all before, I once wrote a letter to my parents when I am in Primary 6 telling them I am going to commit suicide if they keep quarreling and want to divorce? Hahaha.. obviously I didn't do it given that I am still alive now typing this long long post...
Now I am slowly learning to let go a lot of things that I hold on so tightly that is making people around me and myself suffocated. But this process is not a short one. I realized the more I care about someone the more I put in for them the more I feel depressed when I feel they are not appreciating it. Thinking back probably the ones that suffer the most is you guys. Maybe you all have your own way of showing your appreciation but I never realized it before. Especially Ty and Kirstie, you both are more introvert and hardly really voice out whereas sometimes Zemin will show her little appreciation. I know not only Zemin but Ty and Kirstie also appreciate some things that I do but don't say it out. However, honestly, sometimes it is best to let the other party know that you appreciate things they do. Sometimes it just make the other person's day.
At times when we are having some event or some plans I am always the only one that gets excited I will feel that you all are being forced to go because I want to. I feel that way because sometimes I see how excited you all get when you are making plans with your other friends or when it is about some KPOP event, such excitement rarely happens when it is us planning something. But ultimately, it is not the way I think but because I never voice out such thinking to you guys (which means I never give you all a chance to break my such thinking before) and just keep assuming making myself so unhappy. Guess it is my fault too.
Overall, I think we are a bunch of people that never really communicate what we really feel inside. I am not a very complicated person actually (Like a lie right... hahahaha) All I wanted was to feel like I am being appreciated. This time round the one incident that torture me the most is the damn adventure cove. The first time when the three of us (Zemin, Ty and Me) talking about it over dinner, I suddenly feel like the feeling of everyone feeling excited coming back to me like I am not the only one that wish to go for it but when Kirstie say she cannot because of nature reason it was a huge disappointment but cannot be help so try to don't feel so disappointed. The second time it was me and I felt so bad towards you all but I also felt upset because you guys seems to be alright and like it was an insignificant thing and it doesn't matter if we didn't go. Like I was the one that really wanted to go for it. (Although now I think it is not true maybe you all just don't want me to feel bad I am sure you all also disappointed.) The third time it was again because of nature reason (thou it was Zemin) and I was again disappointed. I guess this adventure cove event I didn't handle my disappointment well. I know it is no one's fault but I keep feel super moody about it. I know it cannot be helped but I keep feeling irritated about the fact it keeps getting postponed. At that time I keep thinking why am I like that. Why am i so damn shelfish making everyone miserable.
Probably I feel really moody also because I haven't been feeling very well since Kirstie Birthday. Kirstie birthday dinner that night I didn't want to eat fast-food and even when everyone go to Popeye I also never eat. You all must be feeling very angry right but what I never say is that night I was feeling very sick (No idea why but maybe because too hungry and then gastric acted up). I did tell kirstie after that when we talk. While you all were eating I went to the toilet to vomit, not a lot and mainly liquid. That's why I say I don't want eat fast food at least if it was pizza hut I can drink some hot soup. But like what Kirstie said I should have told you guys but also because I don't want you guys to change place again just because of me, I know everyone is super hungry then. Since then I have been feeling unwell on and off. All kinds like LS, Heart Pain, Shoulder Pain, Headache. Now I am feeling much better thou because I have been seeing doctor and have been on medication.
Because my body have been feeling so tense, I looked forward to every outing that we planned thinking it might help in relive the tension my body and lift up my moody mood a bit but every time it gets cancelled, it just make my mood go worse and making me feel even more frustrated and unwell.
Anyway whatever it is. I am sorry if during this period I have been making you all feel bad. I am sorry that I have been "suffocating" you all. Thanks for being so understanding. There is still a long road for our friendship lets try and be more open and learn to communicate more openly. Let's all forget all the pain we inflict on each other. From today on-wards let's began a new chapter of this Special Friendship.
Sorry the post a bit too long... hahahaha. See you all soon! Love you guys! <3 nbsp="" p="">